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A script! Dammit, thats what this movie was missing! It had so much potential to be bad good but somewhere along the line veered off the ol’ spice road. Osombie. Too soon? Too boring. Newsflash assholes, nobody cares about your personal life when you’re supposed to be wasting Zombies. And put your shirt back on. OK keep it off. That flex crying into your hands is so dramatic. I’m bored, wanna sexy wrestle? Everything was set up perfectly. A trailer full of desert karate, katana blades and undead zombies. We even ethniced up our kitchen and made some traditional Afghani Greek bacon and egg gyros. Thats right isn’t it? Pita bread? Anyone? Waffle fries were first served in the historic Kabul market. Its true. Look it up in this post. But a perfect setup isn’t everything. Phantom angry sword training scene? Yup. Bad CGI zombie kills? Yessir. Joker? Hilarious. Repeatedly shirtless dude? Si! Muy Bueno! (Diaz). Did we mention this movie was really good? No? Good, it wasn’t. We’ve noticed in our studies that sometimes when a film doesn’t hire a writer that the film suffers because of it. Osombie fell into this classic cinema trap. Watching the trailer we had high hopes for an Osombie 2: Zero Dick Dirty: This time its Koranical but even a gyro that had us singing in Pashtun and bathing in lamb grease couldn’t save this 3 cups of shit. If we weren’t so goddamn fucking optimistic about this stupid-ass world (and lazy) we would have shut it off. Maybe next time. But damn look at those biceps…

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Is this how the super-rich eat breakfast every night? After getting a sneak peak at the douche class the answer is decidely yeah brah! As long as its battered in cocaine and deep-fried in bro hugs, we’ll eat anything Lupita serves us. Don’t look me in the eye! What? You think we have…hypothermia? Where is this going? Sorry we’re still recovering from Diaz’s strike out on movie night. Apparently he hates monsters, unless he saw them at a drive-in in the 70’s. Drugs are the monster! Americans are the Monster! High School is the monster! Is that black guy the monster? Boredom is the monster…. The implied threat of witches, prom gore and douches getting their comeuppance wasn’t enough to get us through Tales From the Barrio or Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever. But alas, Diaz’s hatred of monster movies didn’t stop him from delivering on the decadence. Lacquered Bacon. That beautiful peppered candy stripped from the belly of a pig-god. We showed great restraint letting that bacon make it through the pre-eat but we knew our sandwich demanded it. Have you ever heard of a steak, egg, potato pancake, cheese and Hollandaise sandwich? No? Us either. A sandwich like that could give you…hypothermia. What we have heard of is a steak, egg, potato pancake, cheese, Hollandaise and lacquered bacon sandwich. Yes your heroes have done it again. This time its personal. Or is it? One liner! Careful, you might get…hypothermiaaaaaa. What is this Hypothermia you speak of? Apparently when you film an ice fishing movie in the great white north that is supposed to be a monster movie but you forget and spend all of your money hiring Merle to play the lead you have to give an intern 8 bucks and tell him to make his best scooby doo inspired (stolen) fish monster costume. Oh and get cocksure guy with a mustache to get eaten by said fish monster. So dumb, it was obviously old man johnson from the bait shop all along. But at least there was a monster Diaz! The looming threat of hypothermia is the monster. If only there was a way off the ice…

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Since Busey’s period piece fizzled so quickly we were craving some real history. Boom! This FDR documentary fell into our laps. Brought to you by PBS and the racist dicks that made Poolboy, FDR made us think back to Blubberella. Maybe it was the coleslaw (damn we’re healthy) but more likely it was that the movie provided the jokes for us, rather than the other way around. There’s not much to say that the film didn’t say itself and most of that we wouldn’t repeat in public. In Terrorvision Grampa taught us that monster movies are educational- they teach us survival- and we learned a lot tonight. Honest Abe was cool, Dougie Mac was a leader, Mike sleeps on the couch with his mouth open, the Axis of Evil Werewolves never stood a chance and The Delano was a BADASS. Now we know, and knowing is half of the something we learned one time.